I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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