i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
