I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
