Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
