she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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