11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
