I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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