I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Jerry, you need to find god
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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