I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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