He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
