Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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