My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
