i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
