OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
