So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
