Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
it glows. i had to have it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
