Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
