she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
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Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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