when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
