I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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