i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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