this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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