thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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