just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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