i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
