I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This house was built for laser tag.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
