I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
