You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
