I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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