You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
