I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
