My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
