We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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