I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
