I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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