He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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