I could make wine with my vomit
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
