and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
