and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
