I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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