im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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