Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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