Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
