I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
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Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This is classic penis vs brain.
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Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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