if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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