how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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