mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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