when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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