honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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