You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
