My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
