You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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