Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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