how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
