I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
