this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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