everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
