If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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