I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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