You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
